The Book of Hypocrites
The Book of Hypocrites
CHAPTER 1: The Magnificent Slave's Message
This letter is from the Magnificent Slave of Christ Jesus. I am writing about all of the honorable things that I do, which you too should do. My hope is that you may also become a magnificent slave of Christ Jesus too, but lesser magnificent than me of course.
Greetings, my beloved Hypocrites. Praise the God that you have created in your imaginations, for we know that our "personal" faith and "private" relationship with God brings Glory to both ourselves and him or her. I am writing to you with deep concern for the way in which you are running your churches, your religions and your lives.
Your churches now have their own organic and fair trade coffee shops in them. They provide free Wi-Fi for the Christians who occasionally come and "hang out." As you know, in this day in age, religion is overrated! It is best to make tangible things to idolize. It is easiest for you to idolize the pastors of your mega church, who prays for you by name, even though you have never joined a small group or filled out a membership card.
For your churches, you desperately need to increase the numbers of the congregation that meets. Encourage those in your congregations to give more of their excess to the tithing baskets so that you can plant more churches in neighborhoods that already have dozens of other churches. Offer a better selection espresso product, bagels, muffins, and possibly popcorn for your congregations to make them choose your church over the one next door or across the street. Employ friendly, but not to friendly, greeters to welcome people into converted warehouse theaters. When you arrive at church is not relevant because you can always watch the pastor preach on the big screen if do not get a good seat.
Oh you poor wretched believers, a twenty-minute sermon every week is all you need to learn about Jesus. A forty-minute concert where you can wave your hands wildly through the air with your eyes closed is all the time you need to worship Jesus. You can fellowship with the barista as you are ordering your stimulates in order to get that out of the way, so that you can rush home to watch your Tivo after church.
You are called to be magnificent. You can proclaim yourself as holy, just allow "in your heart" to become "in your imagination," and God is who you want him to be.
CHAPTER 2: The Perfect Ultimate Holy
Oh, Imagine the perfect church. The perfect Ultimate Holy. The temperature would be just how you want it. The brand of coffee that is brewed and the choices of creamers available would be better than brands you have at home. They would be the expensive and eloquent ones in which you personally would not pay for but you feel your church should. There would be many service times for you to select from. Just so that you can pick and choose which time is best for you to go and worship God. After all, if God does not fit in your schedule, you will be distracted from worshiping him during your time spent at church.
The perfect Ultimate Holy would have so many ministries that they would have a ministry that ministers to all the different ministries within. There would be ministries that would baby-sit your children, free of cost, at any time for an amount of time. There would be dog ministries, house-cleaning ministries, ministries that would parent your children for you. Each of these ministries would be staffed with people who would be blessed with the opportunity to serve you and their enthusiasm shows it.
Can you hear that? It is the music set that you have selected for the service. You cannot worship God with those hymns. You need that nice acoustic guitar sound to complement the smell of your coffee to relax you. The electric guitar is just way too much for coffee shop feel.
It is also important for your pastor to end his sermon of advice for good Christian living on time. You wouldn't want him to mess up the schedule. That would cause a chain reaction of events in your daily schedule.
Think about your pastor. A great motivational speaker! In fact, he looks a little cartoony which makes him cute. He always uses at least one bible verse in his sermons too! It is evident that his heart is in the right place and he truly cares for you. It is ok that you have never met him and he has not clue who you are. The fact that he ends on time as scheduled proves how much he values your time.
Imagine the sense of authority you would have attending the perfect Ultimate Holy; A church that reaches more than a thousands souls on a weekend. A church so big that you can be committed to it just by showing up from time to time. A church where all the cars in the parking lot are very nice, but not nicer than your own.
The perfect Ultimate Holy is not a far out dream. God calls people such as you to develop such a place. Just gather all your family members together and establish a structure for your church. Use great marketing skills, and build a massive building in a close radius to at least twenty other churches. After that, it is prayer that will fill your building.
Bless you Holy Hypocrites. Godspeed on building your perfect Ultimate Holy.
CHAPTER 3: The Christian Way
My beloved, I write this chapter on three very different but important topics that truly define Christians from an outsider's perspective. So pay close attention to what I am about to write.
It is so much better to live by the don'ts than exploring what you can do. This is the true Christian way. It is safer to live by saying no, than to ask what if. So simply I say, do not read Harry Potter, or watch the films. The series brings about too many what ifs. The series allows the imagination to become activated; it allows children's minds to be opened to the fact that there is both good and evil in the world. After all, the imagination soils the soul and evil crushes it. It is better to live in the shadows of the concrete than to be illuminated in the unknown.
Now I will write about Africa. Africa is the place to go to do the Lord's work, and more importantly, to do your work. The people there are in need, yes, but more crucially, you are in need of a spiritual experience. You are charged with the responsibility to teach them about Jesus, but really, you are there to learn about yourself.
When you arrive, be sure to take plenty of photos of yourself serving. These photos are essential. They prove to your church back home that you were there and that you are spiritually mature. Post them on social media with captions about how "God is using you" and how "broken" you felt when you saw their living conditions. Make sure the lighting is good and your hair looks nice in the photos. This is your chance to show everyone how compassionate you are.
Spend two weeks eating their food (take lots of pictures), accepting their gifts (which you will never use), and learning their names (which you will forget by the time you land back in America). Build relationships with the children there. They make the best photo subjects and their smiles will validate your decision to come. Promise them you will stay in touch, knowing full well that a Christmas card every few years is the extent of your commitment.
When you return home, you will be forever changed. You will tell everyone about your "mission trip" and how it "broke your heart" for Africa. You will cry when you talk about it. You will wear the t-shirt they gave you occasionally to remind yourself of your spiritual depth. You will donate $20 once a year to feel connected to the work you started and then abandoned.
Most importantly, you will never go back. After all, you have already gotten what you came for. A story, some photos, and the validation that you are a good Christian. The people there will continue their lives as they always have, with or without your two-week presence. That is truly the Lord's work.
Thirdly, you must only listen to Christian music, you must fall in love with every corny movie that Christians make and you must read every book they write. You must torture your senses and support these crappy artist as they do what they 'feel' they have been called to do. After all God wouldn't have given them these 'gifts' and 'talents' if it wasn't what he wanted them to do. It was revealed to them in a dream.
Christian Artists must not be original or explore new ideas or techniques. They should only rip off the ideas of popular culture. If you make a song sound a lot like the most popular ones in the secular world, it is a form of evangelism and you may trick people into listening to your music. Then every other artist after this, must copy you in what you do, because Christians do not like change. Just follow these rules and you will truly succeed at living the Christian Way.
CHAPTER 4: How to Use Scripture and Famous Pastor's Books
Listen carefully now my beloved Hypocrites, what I am about to tell you is extremely crucial to the very existence of your faith. The Scriptures are just guidelines for you to follow in your faith. They are for you to use however you feel in any context you want. It is ok for you to speak using metaphors of the culture of 'biblical days'—Even if you have no understanding or know no history of them—because, as long as you are saving the unsaved, you are using the scripture in the right context.
This is why reading books by famous pastor is beneficial and important. It keeps you up in society's current religious trends and they use bible verses in them. It is like a two in one save money and time deal. You do not really have to buy a bible, or even read one for that matter, as long as you have some books by famous pastors. The scriptures they use can be used by anyone about ANY topic.
So go my beloved, read books by famous pastors and use their scripture references in any and all ways necessary to save the unsaved.
CHAPTER 5: The Art of Praying
My Beloved Hypocrites, the most important opportunity that you will be given to radically change someone's life is the opportunity to pray. I know this seems like an intense task, so let me walk you through it.
First let me identify the different types of prayers. There is the prayer before a meal, the prayer for healing, the prayer for thanksgiving, the prayer for forgiveness, and the prayer that gets you into Heaven.
When praying for a meal, briefly thank God for the food, then go on telling Him (as well as others in prayer with you) about all the great things you did that day and that you are planning to do.
When praying for healing, briefly ask God to restore the health/take away the pain from the one who needs healing. Then give a brief testimony of how God once healed you. It is ok if the 'rating' of pain or sickness is severely off, it is the fact of God's power being revealed that is important. (eg. It's ok to talk about a splinter you had even if the other person shattered their femur).
When praying for thanksgiving, be sure to give yourself just as much credit as you give God for the great things that are happing in your life as well as the lives of everyone around the world. Truly, the little bit of money that you tithe for your missionary teams is solely what is causing great things to happen at that location. It could not function without your scraps of support.
When praying for forgiveness, be sure to point out the sins of others and rate the sins you commit in comparison to the greater sins there are in the world (consider drafting out some sort of chart to help you with this process). This really helps to bring understanding and clarity to God in the process of justification.
When leading one in the prayer that gets them into Heaven, emphasis each word with extreme emotion so that they understand the importance of the prayer they are praying. Also, be sure to give a testimony of your journey in life from when you first said the 'prayer that gets you into Heaven,' to now, in order to be a light and lead the way for the newly saved person.
Let me point out that how you pray is irrelevant; a prayer just needs to be similar in structure to motivational speech. They are your time to shine and boast about all that is good about being a Christian. This is your chance to really impact someone's life and possibly save it! Therefore, always offer to pray. The consistency of the practice of praying is what makes a great saint.
In closing, I must emphasis, do not take this opportunity lightly! Good hypocrites do not pray. Great hypocrites pray publicly.
CHAPTER 6: A Double Life for the Ultimate Holy
My beloved hypocrites, pay close attention now to what I am about to write because it is your instructions on how to live a holy life. First and foremost, the Church is the ground of the Ultimate Holy. The Church is the Ultimate Holy. You must act as if you are super-holy individuals when you are on church grounds, at a church event, or representing your church out in the community. You must act in this way so that you have the authority to judge and condemn those around you. So that you have the authority to make members of the congregation feel guilty for their every wrongdoing.
Side note: You can cuss and scream at your family and/or listen to your inappropriate sexually explicit music as long as you want until you are about to 'do' church. It is important to keep this style of living away from the Ultimate Holy so that you yourself do not lose your right to condemn others.
Next, to live a holy life, you must practice the discipline of serving in the Ultimate Holy. Please note that serving is mandatory. However you choose to serve though, is up to you. You can choose to be a boring parking lot attendant on Sunday mornings or one of those who hands out bulletins to all those entering before being entertained on god. Or you could be an awesome youth worker in the youth ministry, which will make you feel younger and super duper cool. You know that when the kids think you are the coolest of the youth leaders, and you can confide and vomit all your junk on them as they do on you, that it is reaffirmation that you are in the right area of service.
Just remember, it does not matter where you serve, how you serve, or how long you serve, just serve. Serving in the Ultimate Holy is all that is necessary. After all, faith and religion does not exist outside of the Ultimate Holy. Any service outside of the Ultimate Holy is just a good way for meeting possible spouses or 'purchasing' insurance for the forgiveness of your sins.
The third thing you must keep in mind is that you must be super holy in front of the leaders within the Ultimate Holy or you will be an insult to them. Never disrespect your pastors or compare them with other pastors. Treat your pastors as if they are God themselves. They are holy and it truly does take a lot of work for them to please you with their humor and teaching abilities week after week.
The fourth thing for living a holy life is remembering the Sabbath. However, the Sabbath is optional. I do suggest that you act in a matter that allows others to see that you practice it regularly though.
These instructions are important for you to follow my beloved hypocrites. After all, you are the image of the Ultimate Holy to all those who are guilt-ed into or dragged into a service. You are the chosen ones to condemn and judge all those weary sinners. You are the light, and you can lead the way by living your double life for the Ultimate Holy.
CHAPTER 7: Saving the Unsaved
Beloved, this is how you go about saving the unsaved. You use fear! Begin by reminding the unsaved subject of the fact that ten out of ten people die. Oh how the fear of death will illuminate the whiteness of their eyes. When this happen, be ready, be quick, and present them with the message of the Gospel. Be ready to lead those "lost souls" to the Lord by praying a prayer that is not in the bible.
Beware, my beloved, there are those unsaved subjects who may be a bit stubborn and you will not be able to scare them into faith. You must try and reason with these subjects by pleading with them to say that prayer that is not in the bible. You must assure them that it is like purchasing fire insurance. The unsaved and stubborn subject may not believe that Hell is real, but reason with them saying that it is better to say a prayer without any faith in it than to burn for eternity if they are wrong, right? Encourage the unsaved subject to say the prayer and to become a just-in-case believer. Let them know that everyone else is doing it in order to add more pressure to their decision. It is a tactic that works without fail in our superficial culture 99.9% of the time.
Remember, my beloved Hypocrites, the greater the number of saved souls on your secret tally sheet may just get you that bigger mansion in Heaven.
However, as holy Hypocrites, you must always remember to limit the grace that you give and you must thoroughly shame the unsaved into faith. Always let them feel inferior to you since you have seniority over them in faith. Since you were saved first, you are loved more, and you are pardoned from more sins then any new believers.
Be creative in how you attract the unsaved to faith. Consider handing out depressing tracts that reek of death on the premier nights of new movies. This is a sure way to get the unsaved subjects hearts beating. Also, consider bombarding your Facebook friends with invitations to all of your church events. Force them become a fan of your church and every ministry within it. This way, subconsciously they will label you as a man or woman of faith.
Whatever way you go about attracting the unsaved, my beloved Hypocrites, make your lives look greater then the unsaved in all you do and they will be begging you to teach them about your faith.
CHAPTER 8: The Day of Celebration
My beloved Hypocrites, believers only in the stormy seasons of life, I must now address the most important day in the Church's existence. Easter. This day is the staple item in your spiritual diet. I must warn you, if you do not attend a church dressed up on this day, you will surely go to Hell. All the other weeks of the year though, you do not have to attend, for they are like complimentary mints after you have feasted at a great restaurant.
On Easter, you must wear pastel colored clothing. If you do not wear pastel colors, the church fashion police (yes they do exist) will criticize you, gossip about you, and they will mutter curses at you when you are not looking in their direction.
Just so you know, it does not matter what you actually do at the church on this day, as long as you "make and appearance." That is what Jesus did on this day; He made an appearance.
Since this day is so important, it is necessary for you to attract the "unsaved" to your church so that you can shape them into your mold. I suggest that you print out hundreds of flyers for your congregation to hand out. Encourage your congregations to advertise for these days, to their friends, neighbors, and coworkers, weeks in advance. Emailing your congregation a flyer for the event makes it easier for them to forward it to all of the "friends" on their contact list. Also, place large brightly colored banners on your church buildings will know each day and time you plan to have a service.
Remember, do not try to de-secularize this event, because society likes it the way they have made it (or else they would not have made it that way: duh). Just remember, preach the gospel on Easter Sunday, and if necessary, have a pancake breakfast.
CHAPTER 9: Heaven; What Jesus Really Meant
My beloved Hypocrites, the whole reason for living life as I have instructed and participating in the Ultimate Holy is to get to Heaven. That is the ultimate prize; it is the ultimate reward. It is what you get for praying your way in. The thoughts of heaven are the nectar of your spiritual life. They should make you want to be holy, and remember all the righteous things that you have done in this life.
Imagine the greatest feast you can (and not gaining any weight from eating anything at it). Imagine having the most luxurious house that you have ever seen. Imagine having maids, butlers, and drivers that are serving you. Imagine having superhero-like powers. Imagine doing what you want, having no limitations, and never growing tired of it. That is your heaven.
Don't you see? Heaven is better than all the greatest G rated ("God rated") pleasures of this world. Think of what brings you the most happiness. Heaven is what you make it to be. Heaven is everything you dream it to be. It is where the streets are paved with Gold. It is where your earthly treasures and pleasures are multiplied times infinity. It is so good, so simple, and so easy to get to. All you need to do is say a prayer, which makes you a Christian and vote Republican. If you do that, you are in. How could you turn down such an opportunity? It is the best life after death insurance offered and it only cost a breath of your time to pray that prayer.
CHAPTER 10: Blame the Youth Pastor
Dear Parents fear not, God will not judge you for bad parenting. After all, teaching morals to your kids is the youth pastor's responsibility. If Saint Peter comments on your parenting, be sure to remind him that you did make you children go to Sunday school and to youth group. You completed your responsibilities of raising morally sound children. Really, what else are you as a parent supposed to do? Break bread in your own home? Talk about religion with your children? That would be a catastrophe!
Dear parents, it is ok to yell at your children's youth pastors because your know-it-all bible knowledge and understanding of the stresses of parenting, are far superior to his seminary education. Youth pastors have no concept of family. They need parents to ingrain this idea into their heads. After all, why else would they work for the scraps of the church?
Be alert! If the youth pastor gets sick often and claims that it is from hanging around your children, he is probably slacking. If he requests a vacation, he has lost motivation and focus. If the youth pastor is asking for help, he is really just looking for ways to get out of his responsibilities. If your youth pastor buys a new car or can afford replace his sandals and wear shoes, you are paying them way too much!
Youth pastors are the scapegoat of church leadership. Youth pastors are the forgotten ones to the congregation, until they mess up. Youth pastors are expected to be perfect, but no more perfect than you, of course. Basically, Youth pastors should be bots, things that run off of our suggestions and have no concept of self. If that were to happen, your life as a parent, would take a turn and start becoming easier and better.
CHAPTER 11: The Family Life
My beloved Hypocrites, now we come to the most sacred institution of all: your family. Your family is the greatest stage upon which you will ever perform. After all, your children are not individuals with their own souls and consciences; they are extensions of your spiritual resume.
Begin early. From infancy, your children must understand that they are reflections of your faith. When they misbehave in public, especially at church, you must shame them immediately and thoroughly. Make sure everyone around you knows that you are aware of their transgression. This demonstrates to the congregation that you are a vigilant, godly parent. When your child cries during the service, do not comfort them with gentleness; instead, give them a look that says, "You are embarrassing me and therefore embarrassing God." This teaches them that their emotions are inconvenient obstacles to your image.
As they grow older, your children will begin to understand the rules of the game. They will learn to perform holiness on Sunday mornings and shed it the moment you arrive home. They will learn to quote scripture they do not understand in front of the youth pastor to earn your praise. They will learn that saying the right thing matters far more than believing it or living it. You have successfully passed down the greatest gift of all: the ability to be two different people.
Teach your children to judge their peers. If another child at church listens to secular music or watches "inappropriate" films, your child must know that this child is on a dangerous path. Use your children as spiritual informants. Ask them what their friends' families do at home. Encourage them to report back. This builds their confidence in their own moral superiority and ensures that they will carry the burden of judging others into their adult lives.
Your teenage years offer the greatest opportunity to leverage faith as a tool of control. When your teenager wants to go to a school dance or spend time with friends of the opposite sex, remind them of their "purity" and their "calling." Make sure they understand that their natural desires are shameful. If they struggle with these desires, they are weak. If they act on them, they have failed God and, more importantly, failed you. This will create a beautiful internal conflict that they will spend years in therapy trying to untangle—if they ever seek therapy at all. Many will simply accept the shame as part of their identity.
When your children reach adulthood, they will have two choices: continue the performance or rebel against it entirely. Either way, you have won. If they continue the performance, you have successfully cloned yourself and created another generation of hypocrites to populate your Ultimate Holy. If they rebel, you can spend family gatherings expressing deep concern for their souls while subtly reminding them of all the spiritual advantages you gave them. You become the martyr: the parent who "did everything right" but whose child "chose the world."
Your children will either become exactly like you, or they will spend their lives running from you. Both outcomes ensure that your influence: your performance, your hypocrisy, your spiritual pride: echoes through their entire existence. This is the ultimate legacy of Christian parenting. Not love. Not grace. Not the freedom to think and question and become who they are meant to be. But the performance. Always the performance.
And when your children have children of their own, they will stand in your Ultimate Holy with their own small performers in tow, and the cycle will continue, generation after generation, each one perfecting the art of the double life.
Congratulations, my beloved Hypocrites. You have not raised children. You have raised mirrors.
CONCLUSION
"Be still and know that I am God." That verse really means, rely on your feelings. Feel God. Feel your spirituality. God is of you. How you are feeling shapes who God is.
The Magnificent Slave
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